Picture Credit – Jeannie Selda
“Play with it all, dance with everything
attached to nothing… and no one.”
– Jennifer Hough
A little bit about love. Valentine’s is coming.
The world is about to get very serious about heart-shaped objects. Chocolate hearts. Paper hearts. Balloons shaped like internal organs. The whole thing is adorable. And also… it’s a perfect moment to talk about what I actually mean when I say the word love, because I don’t think love is a reward. I don’t think love is a transaction. And I definitely don’t think love is something another human being “gives” you if you behave correctly and keep your emotional glitter under control.
My definition of love is simpler, and (to me) way more radical: love simply is. It’s not something you earn. It’s something you access. It’s an experience that becomes available through presence with anything, any thought, any moment, or any person. Love is a state of being you can rest into. Which is why, when we attach love to another person as the source of love, we get a little tangled. We start relating to the person like they’re the power outlet. And if the outlet is unavailable, suddenly we’re in withdrawal.
Here’s a truth that can change relationships overnight: when you say “I love you,” consider that the optimized meaning of that phrase is: “In your presence, I find it easy to connect to the Source of all love.” That’s real. And it’s also not meant to become a dependency. Because if love is truly what we say it is, then when they’re not in the room, you should still be able to find that same state. Not as a performance. Not as a spiritual flex. But as a return. As an inner orientation. The relationship becomes a shared field of love, rather than a hunt for who can provide it better.
This is where it gets spicy (in the kindest way): most people confuse acceptance or approval with love. We call it love when we feel safe, chosen, praised, wanted, validated. And those are wonderful experiences, truly. But they’re not love. They’re acceptance and approval. And they often come with conditions: “I love you when you…” “I love you if you…” “I love you as long as you don’t…” That’s not love. That’s negotiation. Real love doesn’t require anyone to become someone else so it can exist. Which is why I’ll say it plainly: there is no such thing as conditional love. If it’s conditional, it’s not love, it’s approval with a bow on it. And by the way, putting the word “unconditional” in front of love is like saying “wet water.” Love is unconditional by definition. Nobody needs to change for love to be present.
And here’s my favorite part: when you’re in a state of love, actual love, the “it simply is” kind, you become magnetized. You attract all good, not because you’re manipulating the universe, but because love is coherence. It’s a harmonic. It’s you being aligned with what’s true.
So as Valentine’s approaches, maybe the invitation is this: don’t outsource love. Don’t make another person responsible for your access to it. Let love be the place you live from. Toward your partner, your friend, your ex you’re still learning from, your body, your life, your messy beautiful humanity.
And then notice what starts showing up when you stop treating love like a scarce resource… and start treating it like the atmosphere you were born to breathe.
I LOVE that you are in my atmosphere.